Ode to Ace

Oh, Ace, you beautiful, beautiful, beautiful man. I called you as the winner before the season even started. You coulda been a contendah! Here's what happened: Your audition was pretty meh actually, but I think that's only because I don't like boyband music. During the Hollywood rounds you looked hot and made the girls scream which put Simon on high alert (although listening back, you screwed up your words and I think you sounded like ass--sorry!).

Then you did "Father Figure" and my world stood still for a minute thirty. After that performance I said you were excellent at playing the game and that you had the best song choice of all time. Your voice was strong (for you), you looked great, sang well, and didn't do any of that damned falsetto (except for the little "hmmm" thing that made girls everywhere melt). You were teh sex! The nose crinkle! The naked! The I'll be your daddy! The stomach shirt grabbing! That video is my most watched after JPL's "A Little Less Conversation," and that has 2 years on you (Yes, I have an extensive collection of AI downloads, shut up.) Randy said, "You can actually sing! Oh my god!" Simon told him he had the X factor and that he would sail through. So what happened? Every single performance after "FF," that's what!

"If You're Not the One" was horrendous! "Butterflies" actually wasn't that bad, but at this point you were already losing steam. "Do I Do" was your first time on the big stage, and I know you were probably nervous as hell, but you blew it! "In the Still of the Night" was actually pretty good and we got to see a little more of your "strong" voice there. "Drops of Jupiter" was a hot mess, "I Wanna Cry" was decent, "We Will Rock You" and the poorly-fitting leather pants were ill-advised, and "That's All" was mediocre. I guess you were just lucky with the "FF" song choice, but you made me look like an ass as I held out week after week for another "FF"-like performance. I'm used to rooting for the underdog who everyone makes fun of though. My advice to you: soap operas. And don't sing anymore.

Oh well. You can still be my preacher teacher. I have a couple things in mind.