Letter to Gwen Stefani

Dear Gwen,

I know this may come across as harsh, but I'm only saying this for your own good. You see, honey, there comes a certain age when one must not sing about bleachers, principals, and student teachers. When one is pushing 40, it is time to stop dressing as a pirate and having an entourage of harajuku girls. I will ignore the fact that you are about two decades too old to be using the phrase "hollaback," because that is what the youngsters are saying nowadays, and I understand that you must sell records to put food on the table for Gavin, his having not produced anything relevant in about 12 years. Believe it or not, women who are out of their 20s who are able to dress like adults and sing adult songs do exist. And there are also women out of their 20s who have gorgeous bodies and do not find it necessary to dress up as the mad hatter or a majorette (see Zeta-Jones, Catherine). Again, I say this to help you.

I leave you with this quote of yours:

"At a certain point I'm going to want to have a family and I'm not going to have time to be running around the world doing this shit and being greedy. I can always write songs. But can I always wear an Alice-in-Wonderland costume? I probably shouldn't. I can at home. I was thinking that when I have children, that I should always dress as a character for them, so they think their mom is Alice in Wonderland or Cinderella. It would be totally messed up!"

Yes, sweetie; yes it would.

Sincerely,
Jenny G