Observations from Semi-Homemade with Sandra Lee

11:00 on weekends finds me in front of the television watching Semi-Homemade with Sandra Lee. 11:30 on weekends finds me in front of my computer reading the Semi-Homemade message boards on TWoP. This show sucks, plain and simple. There are no words. Basically the show consits of Sandra taking some store-bought food and totally bastardizing it. An example of this is her Kwanzaa cake made of store-bought angel food cake with runts on top. Yes, runts, as in those little hard candies in the shape of fruit. Her website has tips on using food for romance. One tip is to sprinkle Pixie Stix on your partner. I'm not making this up. Anyway, after the bastardization she makes her booze. Then she takes her booze into the "dining room" to show us her tablescape. Here's an e-mail I wrote to MR after watching today, edited slightly:

Tapas and Tinis

The first tapas consisted of artichoke bottoms, roasted plum tomatoes tossed with balsamic vinegar* (which you can buy in the grocery store!), mozzarella balls (because nothing says Latin cooking like mozzarella [on one episode she used an "Italian blend" with swiss]), and pesto. Doesn't sound too bad, but she manic-ly sped through the tapas to get to the booze. A "little bit" of vodka (half a pitcher) with pineapple juice and Midori (I was so sad when I saw her take Midori out of her pantry--that's my favorite alcohol). She called the Midori melon liqeur, which it is, but you cannot compare Midori to melon Schnapps. The label was off, but I recognized the bottle.

*Note on the vinegar - she said you can use whatever vinegar you have in your fridge (?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?). I personally keep mine in the cupboard, as do most normal people.

Then she made tapas with "pulled pork," coleslaw, and fried potato "chips." The chips were wide french fries. Maybe she's British. Maye she'll use pepper jack in her British cheese blend. When she put the "chips" in the frying pan, she stood 10 feet away from the pan and threw them in the hot oil while telling us to be careful. She took cooked ribs from a styrofoam tray covered loosely with plastic wrap that she told us she bought at the grocery store (?!). I have never in my 24 years on this planet seen cooked ribs on styrofoam trays at the grocery store. And I would most certainly never buy anything that was not tightly wrapped. She cut the ribs off the bone and chopped them. Sandra, that's not pulled pork. Then she told us to make sure we washed our hands because we were working with meat.** Yes, but it was cooked meat, Sandra. When she works with raw meat she just wipes her hands on a towel. She added the "pulled pork" to a mixture of a whole jar of chili sauce and a very large amount of chile powder and taco seasoning (????!!!!). She took the "chips" out of the pan telling us not to have wet hands when we do that (????). But at least this time she used tongs to get the potaoes out, unlike the time she used a spatula and her hands to get her crab cakes out of the hot oil. She put coleslaw on top (?!?!), but told us we could use potato salad (?!?!?!?!?!?!?), followed by the "pulled pork." Then she sprinkled cilantro on top. I think if I were eating those I would pick the cilantro off and just eat that.

**Note on washing hands after handling meat: I would assume that anyone who would watch Food Network would have an interest in cooking. I would also assume (and hope) that anyone who has an interest in cooking would know to wash his or her hands after handling raw meat.

The tini was "literally all alcohol." I didn't pay attention to what monstrosity of booze was in it. She also added ice, "just to cool off the alcohol." Umm... That's usually what ice is used for, Sandra.

Her last tapas was chicken salad in a pita. She used a store-bought rotisserie chicken which she mutilated while telling us that all we needed was the meat. Awww, I like bones and gristle in my chicken salad! Wouldn't it have been easier to just poach some boneless, skinless chicken breasts with some seasoning? But what do I know? She added celery, scallions, nuts, and freshly chopped tarragon. I can't properly describe how retarded she looked while chopping the tarragon. Alton, Paula, Mario, Rachael, Martha, and Julia are weeping somewhere. She then added mayonnaise telling us that the amount of mayonnaise correlates (not her word) with the amount of chicken. Does anyone not know that?!

The tini was more booze-on-booze action with one frozen raspberry added to cool it down. I can imagine how successful one small frozen raspberry would be at cooling down a gallon of room-temperature booze.

I could only stand to glance briefly at the tablescape, which consisted of butterflies and chinese lanterns. She had a bowl of almonds on the table. She said everybody grabs them and runs. Probably because they're the only edible thing on the tablescape.