Thursday, September 14, 2006

Quick, Pretend to Be Beanbag Chairs!

Last night as I was doing dishes, the doorbell rang. Usually when our doorbell rings, it's neighbor A coming over to bitch about neighbor B, neighbor C asking me to get their mail while they're on vacation, or a random transient who thinks our house is the church rectory. I opened the door to a nicely-dressed man and a woman. My first thought was, "Fucking a'." My second thought was of the Far Side comic with the blobs who say, "Jehova's Witnesses! Quick, pretend to be beanbag chairs!" and I almost laughed out loud. The woman said something about how the meek will inherit the earth and asked me if I thought the earth they would inherit would be the way the earth is today. I thought to myself, "Whatever you do, don't say you're not religious!" I said, "Umm, we're not really religious." D'oh! Then the woman read me a passage from the Bible about how if you're building a house, you shouldn't do if half-assed, or something like that. She gave me two magazines and one was about why blood is important. I know that blood is important because it carries oxygen to parts of your body, but I have a feeling this magazine isn't about science.

I'm such a pushover. I'd have no problem telling these people that I'm adamately opposed to pushing one's religion on others and that's a part of the reason why I left Christianity in the first place if they were assholes, but they're so nice! This is my second run-in with Jehova's Witnesses. My first happened when I was a teenager and I was mowing my neighbor's lawn while she was on vacation. I was walking along with my Walkman turned up full blast (hmmm, do you think that's why I now can't hear worth shit?) and I came to the end of the yard, turned around, and saw 3 men standing there. They scared the bejesus out of me. They tried to talk to me about god while I was in the middle of mowing. When I told them I didn't live there and the lady wasn't home they gave me magazines to give to her which promptly went in the trash. It was a little easier to be an asshole to these guys because they were pushy and pushiness pisses me off.

The nice woman asked me if she could come back to discuss the magazines with me. I told her I work and she said she'd come back in the evening sometime. Greeeeat. I guess I won't be answering my door anymore.


Blogger Dim said...

Sorry, but this line absolutely rules:

"Then the woman read me a passage from the Bible about how if you're building a house, you shouldn't do if half-assed"

9/14/2006 1:35 PM  
Blogger March to the Sea said...

they have only come to my home once and I stopped em about half way to the door. I just said "can I help you?" and they started something about religon and i just said I was currently happy with my "religous status". They moved on.

9/14/2006 3:06 PM  
Blogger Karen said...

Oh god. I did that when I was in college and was accosted by the JWs. I chatted and took the tracts just to be nice and to make the whole thing end more quickly. They came back every Saturday morning for a good long time. I did the beanbag chair thing a lot and then just decided to get my ass out of bed earlier on the weekends and get out of my apartment.

9/14/2006 3:37 PM  
Blogger B. said...

I was approached by one at a rest stop and she gave this little tract with a black family on the front. She asked if I read the Bible, and I said that yes it was actually on the front seat of the car with my devotional book. She then said something about making sure that what I was reading was really from the Bible. She told me to have a nice day and I said the same and drove off.

9/14/2006 5:11 PM  
Blogger Funky Smith said...

Lord! This has never happened to me but I always planned to say something about being satanic and being just as pushy to them as they are to me.

I'm a recovering Christian though, so my contempt is more heartfelt.

9/14/2006 8:22 PM  
Blogger Caroline said...

I'm glad that I live in a door man building.

I think that I would've said that same thing that march said.

9/15/2006 8:36 AM  
Blogger Jenny G said...

Dim: I think I didn't get out of that what I was supposed to.

March: Good idea.

Karen: If they wake me up on Saturday mornings, there will be hell to pay.

B: I hate how they assume only their beliefs are right.

Funky: You're lucky.

Caroline: That's probably what I'll say if they come back. I'm not so much of a pushover that I'd let them in my house.

9/16/2006 10:01 AM  
Blogger pog mo thoin said...

I always tell them I am Catholic, which I am, although a bad one. I tell them it is as much an ethnic identity as a religious one so I couldn't change it if I wanted to - not really - I would still "be" one. They seem to respect that and they go easy on my time.

9/16/2006 9:46 PM  
Blogger katiedid said...

"The woman said something about how the meek will inherit the earth and asked me if I thought the earth they would inherit would be the way the earth is today." Next time, tell her it's all right: the meek shall inherit the earth, but the rest of us assholes will just take it back. What they gonna do, they're friggin' meek.

That said, be firm. Be rude. They are. No reason they should be accorded anymore sympathy than the Kirby vacuum creeps who come door to door.

9/16/2006 10:00 PM  
Blogger Jenny G said...

Pog: Good idea! I should say I'm Jewish since that also goes much deeper than religious beliefs.

Katie: LOL. The woman was good at not letting me get a word in edgewise. I was holding a dishtowel and drying my hands, so I was obviously busy. There's no way they're coming in my house though.

9/18/2006 8:20 PM  
Blogger defiant goddess said...

That is funny. Interesting the impact people have on each other. I'd say it's okay if she comes in. Heck, you could even pop in at the Kingdom Hall just to see what's going on. But whatever you do, don't sign anything and don't join anything. That's when life goes to hell.

9/24/2006 10:54 PM  

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