My Hatred of Rihanna

I despise Rihanna. I first heard of her when I heard the opening notes of "Tainted Love," only to be appalled at her bastardization of one of my favorite songs of all time. It's called "S.O.S." and I can't hit my radio buttons fast enough when it comes on. Here is the intro:

"Lalala lalala la la lala la Ohhh
You know I never felt like this before
Lalala lalala la la lala la Ohhh
Feels like something real"

Lyrical genius!

I know that all these little teenyboppers have never even heard "Tainted Love " and it makes me sad that they will never know the awesomeness that is Soft Cell.


I later learned that she was the "mastermind" behind one of my least favorite songs of last year: "Pon De Replay." There are like, 5 words in that song, and they're all annoying as hell. My hatred grew.

When I turned on my radio a few months ago I was greeted to the sound of dying animals. It was actually Rihanna caterwauling her new song "Unfaithful." Her voice is hideous! In these days of protooling singers to death, there is no excuse to sound that cacophonous. It's nasal and off-key. If I can sing better than you, you should feel ashamed of yourself. The melody is non-existent. The worst part is the lyrics:

"Story of my life
Searching for the right
But it keeps avoiding me
Sorrow in my soul
Cause it seems that wrong
Really loves my company"

Huh? That sounds like something a seventh grader would write in pink pen in a journal covered with fake fur.

"He's more than a man
And this is more than love
The reason that the sky is blue
The clouds are rolling in
Because I'm gone again
And to him I just can't be true"

No, I'm pretty sure that the sky is blue because the atmosphere scatters blue light, and clouds are formed by water molecules.

"And I know that he knows I'm unfaithful
And it kills him inside
To know that I am happy with some other guy
I can see him dying"

This guy needs to grow a pair and she needs to stop being a hobag.

"I don't wanna do this anymore
I don't wanna be the reason why
Everytime I walk out the door
I see him die a little more inside
I don't wanna hurt him anymore
I don't wanna take away his life
I don't wanna be...
A murderer"

Overly dramatic much?

"I feel it in the air
As I'm doing my hair"

Wow, just wow.

"Preparing for another day
A kiss upon my cheek
He's here reluctantly
As if I'm gonna be out late"
What? I could see him being there angrily or sadly because of being out late, but reluctantly? That's such a clumsy line.

"I say I won't be long
Just hanging with the girls
A lie I didn't have to tell
Because we both know
Where I'm about to go
And we know it very well"

Again: grow a pair!

"Our Love, his trust
I might as well take a gun and put it to his head
Get it over with
I don't wanna do this
Anymore (anymore)"

Sigh...

"No no no no
Yeah yeah yeah"

Ok...

I guess I deserve this for listening to Top 40 occasionally; I'll hand in my cool music lover card.